I feel angry. Very very angry and most of the time. There is the disappointment and there is a sense of being a victim ( and we all know that never helped anyone ever ).
Just last evening we were watching a movie at home and within 10 minutes decided “Patriots Day” was a bad choice for me ( it is about the Boston Marathon bombing and has story line and scenes I could not watch without going down the spiral). This morning we were to go to the theatre ( been our ritual to live in the movie theatre on weekends) and watch a new movie “MOM”. Even before we left home I knew it was too intense for me and finally the husband went with a friend. I am assuming you are getting the sense of what I am trying to write. If not, let me explain.
I am almost nothing of what I used to be and what I thought I will be around this time in my life. The Shilpi I know from early 2015 and the one I see now are so very different and I think I am sick of waiting for her to come back. So here is the problem: I AM waiting for her to come back! I am waiting to get back to “normal”. I am living with the assumption that the whole clinical depression thing will go away completely and I will get back to being me ( I quite love that me you see). However much I might write glorified posts about loving the new me and feeling blessed at the changes the last year has brought on in my life, the fact remains – I want to get back to “normal”. The crazy silly romantic happy me. And let me admit here – I still haven’t been able to quit smoking, I do not stick to my morning calming meditation routines, I am not waking up early etc etc. And I do expect myself to be doing those things and more and be the brand new me – the old me with the shine of all the new good things I have learnt.
And with expectations come disappointments. I see myself recovering from the dark sad days but the process is slow. I see myself becoming better but not becoming the same. I hate the pace at which I seem to recover and get depressed with the number of days I end up cancelling all my commitments. When well-meaning friends ask how I am feeling, I usually respond by saying “am better ” and “almost 80% there ” and then go quiet because I am not sure that feels true. I feel trapped and wish I could shake away off all that is undesirable. It’s almost a point where I am unable to breathe.
But this morning I take a deep breath and finally realise – I am expecting to get back to being me and all signs of depression to disappear and live as if it never happened! How silly is that! What if I did not have depression but life had moved on as “normal” – would I be the same in 2015 as in 2017? Or what if I had a life-threatening illness and got cured miraculously ( Now you have to remember I am the die hard optimist ) – wouldn’t life and routine change? A friend just recovered from cancer and someone dear just lost her parent to cancer. A friend met with an accident and for no fault of hers has to see her little one go through pain and surgery. A friend is getting a divorce after twenty years of marriage because the spouse “fell in love with someone else”. None of them is expecting life to be the same – so why am I?
When I started sharing my illness on Facebook and on these blogs, some friends and acquaintances came forward to share their experiences and how they still have those days and how they cope with it. My response to these was simple – I am going to “get well soon ” and of course will never have to see the dark clouds ever again. Bad things can happen to others but definitely not me- especially after losing my Mum and my best friend and now this depression – as if there was an accountant sitting up there with a balance sheet which said I have had enough bad luck with these and now I deserve only the good forever.
So I guess what I am trying to say is – I want to genuinely love myself as I am today. I want to be happy in the now and not wait for things to change. I have learnt enough to know “right here, right now is all I have”. Thank you, God, for this realisation!
PS: Nothing life changing has happened in the last few hours of this Sunday. However, I somehow had a less angry and a much better day – I baked and cooked for the family and they loved it ( i.e. Ate happily!). I spent time reading and also found a movie meant for me ( Hidden Figures). So right here right now is a happy place!