Warning: This is an update kind of post.No gyan.No meditation.Pure rambling.
Most of the time, I think we have a basic innate tendency to appear happier to people than we actually are – unless of course we are on the other end of the spectrum where we want sympathy and go through exaggerated negative dramatized version of presenting our reality to the world to be able to make them feel sorry for us. For someone like me who claims to be an optimist and who genuinely believes she is one of the luckiest blessed people on this planet, it is a little ( OK let me accept it – very difficult) to say I am not as good and as happy as I want to sound. I know I am confusing you – so let me try to explain.
I am one of those people who gets excited by every new beginning ( new week, new month etc) – so you can very well understand the optimism 2017 started with. I know it’s silly but I do expect magic all the time and hence believed January 1, 2017, is going to be the end of “depression”. However, like any normal person would understand, it is not a switch which went on at midnight and I lived happily ever after. Luckily for me, I have been overall getting better.
See, there I go again – trying to make it “overall better”. The fact is that though part of February was very kind to me, the later weeks including March have been reminding me how things were in 2016. And it sucks, absolutely sucks. I planned a valentine’s getaway – and then convinced the family to not travel. I booked tickets for a work trip to my hometown ( was super excited) but could not make myself take that plane. I missed catching up with my girlfriends and missed spending time in birthday celebrations ( yes, sometimes I cannot bear to be in a room with 5 people too as it is a “crowd” for me). You get the picture right – It’s absolutely bleak by my standards.
And then the little fighting optimist had a plan – if things are looking so bad, how much worse can it get? So why not try something which I have heard makes people go through a crazy painful phase – give up smoking. For those who don’t know, I started smoking last April (Depression Survival Kit? Definitely not: Smoking) and absolutely enjoyed it in spite of being one of the loudest anti-smoking brigades in my group of friends since college.I would probably have a pack in a week but if I wasn’t stopped, I could happily have a pack in a couple of days. I was officially in love with the demon called Dunhill Switch Menthol.The limit of the love for smoking was visible when I chanced upon an awesome book to help quit smoking and confided in a friend ” You know I am afraid if I read this book, I will give up smoking and miss all this fun”. So I chose not to read it!
Coming back to the current situation: I have been going through strange lows and then I have decided to stop smoking completely and it has been 11 days. Why am I telling you this – I want to! I want to share that I am sure I will not smoke because I choose not to and if I can in this phase, anyone can if they choose to. Smoking for me is not good or bad anymore – it is just unhealthy for me and a very bad example for my little one. Progress – will let you know once I cross the first 100 days!
Oh and in case you are wondering what inspired me …that’s a story for another day. Let me just tell you it’s to do with Hercule Poirot in Three Act Tragedy!
Thank you for reading and thank you for listening to my rambling.