Its been 13 days since 2017 smiled on us….and I have been thinking all about how 2016 treated me. Today is Lohri (an Indian festival celebrated to mark harvesting in the northern part – and for most of us it is just the end of peak winter) – and while standing around the bonfire enjoying popcorns and rewri, I couldn’t help but think how things were exactly 12 months back. Last year, it was one of the rare days I was out of my room and standing around our building Lohri celebration and within 5 minutes I realised I couldn’t breathe with so many people around.  I pretended I needed to go for a walk, came far far away from the people and festivities and the celebration – and started running. I ran with tears in my eyes and thanked God it was dark late evening and no one could notice me.  I wondered if this is how life would be for a month, a year or forever. I could have never imagined how things would turn out in real and that I would be standing exactly at the same place next year – smiling and thanking God for 2016.

Please don’t misunderstand me – by all standards 2016 has been a watershed year in my life and I have cried more than I have ever in the last 39 years put together (yesssss, I turned 40!). I was miserable and sad and couldn’t do anything for any of the people I love the most – but what is that I remember when I try to look back at the whole year? Surprisingly when I tried recollecting, I remember only the awesome travels and the time with spent with friends celebrating my birthday! Isn’t it amazing? I have a whole year of Depression and my brain stores only the good days?  It’s not that I cannot remember the dark days – they are just not the top of the mind recall when I think of the whole year. And I think it’s a miracle.

If you have personally ever been depressed (not just sad) or supported someone going through clinical depression, I am sure you have seen the despair and misery that accompany it. And I am telling you – IT WILL ALL PASS AND YOU WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN.  More importantly, you will see it as a phase in your life and not as your whole life (that’s what it feels like when you are in the lowest). You will find it impossible to believe if you are going through it right now – but please, please believe me when I say this  – there will be stages when the lows will be less low and the number of ‘normal’ days in a row will increase, and finally, you will be free.

I am still on the same dosage of medicine and I am seeing a new therapist – am definitely not ‘cured’, but I know I am getting healed and I have seen enough visible miracles to believe this is all a phase and I will get over it.

I am hoping my random rambling gives you hope – I know that’s all you need. There is always light at the end of a tunnel! Always!  And if I can help in any way, am always available at shilpichoudhuri@gmail.com.

Thanks for reading.

 

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