I probably want to scream out and say this – I am horribly depressed still. I have good days for sure but I also have days like today – where I have used all my willpower and energy to get up and go for my Pilates class and come back home.Since I returned home, I have not been able to step out of my room. It is scary to step out and this is my only safe place as of now. I don’t want to pick up calls and I don’t want to reply to messages.And please, I don’t want to see anyone at all.
I simply miss being the happy carefree girl I was a year back. I agree I didn’t know many versions of spirituality and other calming stuff. I didn’t understand much of the world around me. I did not know there is so much suffering in people’s life because mine was all rosy. You see, I had everything a girl can ever dream of – perfect family, perfect set of innumerable crazy loving friends, amazing work and always enough and more of what I needed. And this stupid depression thing came out of nowhere and has changed every thing for me – the family is still perfect but always cautious of my good/bad days, the friends are awesome but I struggle to be “the friend” for anyone as I don’t usually want to talk or meet and the amazing work has disappeared as I freeze every time I pick up the camera. I am sick of even trying to be optimistic and try all the wonderful tricks the books are teaching me to remain calm…why can’t I just be happy and carefree like before ? And please don’t try to tell me any philosophical stuff ( everything happens for a reason/ something good will come out of this/ you are so fortunate you discovered spirituality to keep you centered ) – maybe some other day when I am not busy trying to peel of my skin from my scalp/my nose and figure out different ways to physically hurt myself without being noticed by the family. No I am not using sharp things or planning to kill myself – but the fact is that I am where I am and that is enough bad news for me.
It is a day when someone I loved dearly would have turned 39. But you see, God decided 20 years was enough for him on this planet and took him away from us without a warning.And I know you think it’s silly/crazy/ weird, but I still can’t get over the fact that Gaurav Dogra is not around us anymore. I knew today would be difficult as every September 19 has been for the last 19 years – but I haven’t even started with the usual ” missing him on his birthday” process. I have not called his family or shared messages with friends or spent time reading old letters or thought of wonderful old memories-because I am not sad for him today as I always am on this day. I am just anxious and scared and crying ( in short – depressed ) and I don’t know if I can explain – I just wanted a normal sad day today where I could spend the day missing someone I love.
Maybe I will be better tomorrow and decide to make a September 19 out of it. Or day after.