This is probably my most difficult post-and I have been trying not to write about it since I started this blog. The point is that I am not ashamed or embarrassed about almost anything thats happened in the last 8 months.Most people I know might find mental illness a taboo to talk about , thankfully I don’t and neither do my loved ones. And I am grateful that things have turned out great with awesome luck and support from family and friends inspite of the horrible scary days.But there is something where I have lost the battle and I think it is time I admitted it to all of you.
In my first meeting with my doctor, he explained the whole deal about clinical depression and various effects it has on your life. He talked about how it might lead to substance abuse and I happily informed him that there was no way on earth I was going to get addicted to anything. I had been a non smoker and teetotaler till I turned 35- and then started enjoying wine . I loved getting sloshed but not frequently-maybe once in 3 months. But it was completely controlled – I would decide I want to have a fun party night and drink loads. I had tried smoking and not only failed miserably at the effort but also didn’t get why people did it in the first place. I also had awesome smoker friends who refused to get me started as no one wanted me to get into it. So I was super safe when it came to substance abuse. And yes, I was overconfident.
Initially it was all OK and I felt if I hadn’t gotten attracted to any kinds of addictions when I was at my lowest, then that was a battle won. However, something changed in the last couple of months. I started smoking for fun over the weekends and I can’t tell you how much I loved it. I was still sure it wouldn’t mean much as I have always advocated against smoking ( just ask my poor colleagues and friends who have been subjected to long lectures filled with gory visualisations to convince them to quit smoking). I have no clue how it finally happened-but I now am a convert. I love smoking, I wait for weekends to smoke, I sneak in during the week if I can get my hands on cigarettes from anywhere. And each time I have it in my hand, it’s awesome.
The idea of this post is very simple- please believe it when the doctor tells you that you are vulnerable to substance abuse because of you are a depressive. Please don’t be over confident like me and challenge it. And I pray it doesn’t work out like that for you- it’s really stupid to start an addicition at this age.
As for my smoking- I know I will give up. When and how….will let you know when I figure it out.