The strangest question people ask me when I tell them about the last six months, is, to ask if I am suicidal. I usually smile and tell them I could never want to do something remotely close to suicide because I love my life and all that God has blessed me with. And luckily I had the same feeling even in my darkest days, even though I could not imagine happiness in the future (or a future to begin with), I would still not want to die. But I totally understand the people who do.
Anyone around us discussing “suicide news”, which seems to be too often these days, usually ends up saying “Oh! why would she? Didn’t she think about her children?” or “How could he do this to his parents? Didn’t he love them?”. Though I am definitely not the expert on the subject of either depression or suicide, I can share what I experienced and can imagine the pain someone is in when he/she decides to choose death.
When you are stuck in a very dark spiral, and you realise you are only going further down with every passing minute, you give up all hope. An observer will tell you to look up and see the light (and the loving children, caring parents, the various joys of life). But what they don’t realise is that you are so deep down, that you can’t see anything but black! Everything which otherwise made you happy, now seems like a movie – not real, but right there playing in front of you. You, then believe, that you will be forever stuck in the pain and the fear and NEVER be happy again. I think that is then that suicide seems like an attempt to end this, and start afresh. I cannot even imagine the depth of despair someone has reached when they choose death over life, willingly.
Thankfully for me, I didn’t reach that depth and constantly wished to get better. Not that it helped – the non-acceptance of the situation just caused more pain.
Now, when I think of those days, I wonder what gave me the strength to fight it and kind of remain optimistic. I would love to say it’s my strong will, but that would be a blatant lie – I had zero will power. Maybe it was sheer good luck! The doctor analysed it, and believes it is the strength of the support I constantly had from my family and friends – I think so too. I had never-ending support from dad, husband and son and there is no battle I can’t win as long as these three are next to me. Yes, when I see a beautiful sunset, I don’t see it as an end….I only see it leading to a gorgeous sunrise soon.
Would love to share the recovery attempts, failures and process soon.